Behind Closed Doors: Every Family Has Its Secret Struggle [Ep. 019]

家家有本難念的經 — every family has a book of struggles too hard to read.

We judge families by what we see. The nice house. The polished kids. The couple that always seems fine. But behind closed doors, every family is fighting something.

In this episode, Joe and Joyce share personal stories of brokenness hidden inside families that looked great on the surface — and ask the questions we don't talk about enough: How do you stop judging what you don't understand? How do you draw healthy boundaries when someone else's chaos bleeds into your life? And what does real compassion actually look like when you finally see behind the curtain?

This is one of those episodes that might make you rethink someone in your life.

#unANSWERED100 #ThinkQuestionConnect #BehindClosedDoors #FamilyStruggles #ChineseProverb

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

People typically are not ready just to bring people into their best. You know, it's like, oh, that's would you be more ready to accept financial help or emotional help? Welcome to another episode of Unanswered. This is a podcast where we love to think, question, and connect. We use idioms, phrases, and famous sayings from different cultures to examine life's biggest problems and to help you find the answers. My name is Joe.

SPEAKER_03 0:35

And I'm Joyce. We are an American family living in the beautiful coastal city of Jazan in Saudi Arabia.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

We love to bridge generations, nations, and stations is one of the reasons we started the podcast. And we also want to give you guys a small glimpse into our lives. But before we do any of that, we want you to go ahead and push the subscribe button. Okay. Go ahead and subscribe. Subscribe to the channel.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

And follow us on your favorite social media platforms. We are on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, X, and on LinkedIn.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

We have another uh idiom phrase today. And you know, we've been on a roll actually lately with the Chinese ones. Yes. Do we have another Chinese one today?

SPEAKER_03 1:15

We do. It's a Cantonese one.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Okay, just go for it.

SPEAKER_03 1:18

Okay, it's Gaga Yao Bunan Nim. The king. Wanna try? Is that Kanto? That's Kanto. It's Kanto. Say it one more time. Gaga Yao Bo Nan Nim. The king. Literally, it means every family has a difficult scripture or sutra to recite.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

What does that even mean? Okay, yeah, we need to figure out what this means. Let's watch the video. Yeah. Because I want to get a grasp. Okay, so watch the video and then we'll come back after this and we'll see. We'll talk through it. We'll talk about it. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:50

Gaga Yobun Nan Nim Diking. Every family has its own difficult sutra to read. A Cantonese proverb. It's the mid-20th century in a typical middle-class home in Hong Kong. The family gathers around the dinner table after a long day. Someone sighs, complains about money, or a stubborn relative, or a child who won't listen. Then the wife's grandma looks up calmly and says, I gonna gala yabunan in the gang. Every family has its own difficult scripture to recite. The metaphor originated from Buddhist background. Chanting sutra is hard work and repetitive. Each household has its own tough passages, like debt, illness, in-law tensions, secrets, regrets. No one can hand their book to someone else to read, nor can they read their friends. Your family's troubles are uniquely yours to bear. Over decades, the line becomes a gentle reminder in everyday Cantonese life. Don't judge too quickly. Don't think your neighbor's home is perfect just because the outside looks sparkly. Everyone is quietly struggling through their own difficult verses. So next time you feel tempted to compare your struggles with someone else's highlight wheel, remember the old family wisdom that has no famous author, only countless quiet voices. Understanding that simple truth is often the first step towards real compassion. Wow, so the Buddhist scriptures are very repetitive.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 3:28

So it's hard to read.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Right.

SPEAKER_03 3:30

So you take that idea and you you basically apply it to every family has its own set of unique troubles.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Okay, so every family has its own story. Yes. Every family has its own story, their own uh narrative that is being written.

SPEAKER_03 3:47

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some are hard to read, meaning it's it's it's like like debt relationships, illness, yes, you know, um, relationship with uh a family member. Like it's those are all hard things.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

So basically, what she's saying is don't just look at a situation from the outside and try to make a judgment call about it, right? Yes. If I could give an English quick equivalent, it'd be like don't judge a book by its cover or something like that. Similar, similar. So this is more specific toward family right now. Yes, you have to family and fam familial situations, yes, yes, right?

SPEAKER_03 4:24

Because don't judge a book by a cover in my mind, it's more like you apply to individuals, or to items even to items or like situations or even companies or organizations, but this is particular, this phrase, this canteen's phrase is particularly for families. Yeah, for families.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

This is talking about families, yeah. But it's uh basically don't look at a situation from the outside, a familiar situation from the outside, and think you understand or know everything that's going on on the inside, right? It's basically saying don't judge the situation, right? But I think that that becomes problematic sometimes because people say that all the time. Like, don't judge, don't judge, don't judge.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

And don't judge me.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Don't judge me. And I think they don't necessarily mean what they're saying.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Right? Tell me, tell me more.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

So, because they're like, well, don't judge the situation, and I know I may be getting off topic, but I think that we have to come down to understanding the difference between uh judging a situation and passing judgment on a situation, basically like making observations about a situation, there's that type of judgment, but then there's passing sentence or condemning, right? Those are two different things.

SPEAKER_03 5:38

Oh, so judgment versus condemnation.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Judgment versus condemnation. Oh, wow. Right?

SPEAKER_03 5:45

So yes, I I see what you mean because it really bugs me. I'm a very literal black and white person, and it really bugs me when people are like, oh, don't judge me. I like my brain does not compute. Like when people say that, my brain will go, ah, do not compute. Like it just it doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Because they're using the word, but I don't think they're using the word in the way they mean or the word that it the way that it should be used, right? Because you if you're saying don't judge me, that that doesn't make sense. Why? Because I make judgments all the time. I I have to make choices all day about whatever is happening in front of me. I'm always making choices. I'm all if I don't use any of my judgment, then I'm a vegetable, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:29

I mean, it doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

The world does move. So I have to use judgment. And so what I think is more saying is not just don't judge, but don't pass judgment. Don't condemn.

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Don't sentence me. Yeah, don't condemn this person. Right?

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Yes, yeah. So you have to make judgments, you have to make the decisions, but be careful about passing or condemning a certain situation or a family very quickly just by seeing what's on the outside. Does that make sense? Yes, yes. That makes sense. Yeah, because even if we take the phrase don't judge a book by its cover, which I mentioned before, the phrase states don't judge a book by its cover. It means that it is implies that you have to judge, right? Just don't judge too quickly.

SPEAKER_03 7:14

Don't judge when you see a book.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

Yes. Don't judge by it. Judge by its cover. Read the rest of it. Yes, by going in, like exactly. Don't judge it just by its cover. I think judge. And then make a judgment. But even in that judgment, don't necessarily be quick to condemn.

SPEAKER_03 7:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Right?

SPEAKER_03 7:31

Yes. I think that's the spirit behind this saying.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

Behind the saying. And so when we apply this and take it from the aspect and apply it to the family, basically what it's saying is you can see what's going on on the outside of the family and immediately jump to conclusions and condemn that family. Yes. And it's like, don't do that. Don't automatically condemn. Make sure you understand.

SPEAKER_03 7:56

Because they're like, you know, we've seen so many instances where, like, oh, the a family unit looks so good on the outside, you know. Um, uh, husband and wife, they're so beautiful. Hands on the streets.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

Instagram every single day.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

I mean, not just Instagram, but social media, which is perfect kids who get straight A's and place like a thousand sports in musical instruments, right? They're they're great. And then, like, so in your mind, you're like, oh man, man, like, if if only, right? If only I have that, if only um they're this is this, I'm this is this. But you don't get to see the behind the scenes. What's going on on the inside? Like, the the truth is, even though like the rich, the poor, the famous, the nobodies, like we all have issues.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

We all have our we all have our stuff that we're going to do. Yes, we all have stuff.

SPEAKER_03 8:54

We all have stuff. And even honestly, like people have said that about us behind our backs, you know, like but they didn't know. Like, I mean, they don't know. They don't know. They don't know. We've been struggling with health, like health issues is we're still working on health issues. We're still working on health issues. Remember, um, in a previous episode, you were saying uh uh a great mentor of yours said, May all your problems be financials.

SPEAKER_00 9:23

May all your problems be financials.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

Yes, we deeply feel that because when you're struggling with like health issues, health issues, those are harder to fix than financial. I'll pay like all my money to have this go away. Yes, you know, but then like you've got people like jealous of you. And they didn't see what the days when I couldn't get out of bed, you know, like they didn't see the days that were struggling big time, exactly right.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Exactly. And so it becomes a challenge for us to really make sure that we understand what's going on in a situation before we pass judgment in a situation, right? Especially when we're talking about families. And if I if I can say it even a better way is to make sure that we're having compassion, right? But if I can say this, I'm gonna say this that compassion should drive us not to just allow anything to happen, though, right? Because I think people can take this phrase and use it in a different way, it's like, oh well, I'm not I'm just gonna keep my nose out of business to justify indifference, yes, apathy.

SPEAKER_03 10:21

Yes, oh yeah, like just let them be. Yes, that that is that is a thing, actually. Like, but then if we see you know hints uh or like signs of uh real problems in a family, like what what do we do?

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Right once again so should I tell this story? I was working in China at one point and knew uh a person who was living with uh her parents at that point. There were some questions about whether there was some abuse going on in the home or something like that, and nobody said anything, you know, because you gotta be careful of cultures and all this other good stuff as well. But uh one day this girl calls me on the phone, and I pick up my phone, and all I hear is Joe, help! And the phone hung up. Oh no. I heard like screaming in the background, that's all I heard. And from there, oh no, I didn't even know where she lived, so I had to call like some of our mutual friends, find out where she lived. I drove straight to her house. And I got to her house, and I hear the rumbling coming on. Knock on the door, the one answer door. I kicked the door in.

SPEAKER_03 11:46

Kick the door in?

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Kick the door in. Kick the door in, go in, and she's bawling, grab her father, calm it down, and just like you don't put hands on this girl. Wow. Now, I'm not saying that to talk about like being a tough guy or anything like that. You know my past, and so I'm like really zealous for anyone who's being bullied or abused or anything like that. But there was a situation, we handled the situation, uh, we were able to get them the help that they needed, right? And so that's what I'm saying is we just don't we can't turn a blind eye to those type of situations where abuse or manipulation, like to that degree, whatever the case is, is happening. We can't turn a blind eye to those things. We have to do something, right?

SPEAKER_03 12:35

So you're saying you we can't use this saying as an excuse uh to turn a blind eye.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Exactly. Exactly. That's exactly what I mean.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

You know, it's a hard balance, though. It's a hard balance, you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

But I think but but I think it's within there. Yeah it's still in the saying, it makes sense. Because if we take the saying, the saying is like, yes, look on the outside, but see what's on the inside as well.

SPEAKER_03 13:00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

And so it I I don't think it's saying look on the outside, but don't worry about whatever's going on. It's saying look on the outside, but see what's on the inside as well. And there are a lot of families out there who need help, yeah, to be totally honest, who are hurting, and there's devastating things that happens in families, in family homes, and family circles. And so we want families to be actually that families, safe places, places where people can be safe, where they can be whole, where they're it's the oasis of safety, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, and many times that may not be the case for some people, but that's the goal is for everybody to get the help that they need.

SPEAKER_03 13:38

So going back to the the Chinese saying, I think there is a sense though, like in our culture, um, the family is sacred. Um it's it's private, let's let's say it's very private, yes. The family is private, and you don't and you don't go prying into other families' business. Right. So I think unfortunately, this saying carries with it that sense of avoidance that we you were just talking about.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

Right.

SPEAKER_03 14:12

Like in the traditional sense of this, in the traditional spirit of this saying, I think, and as a people, I think we're not like the most like confronting people in the world.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

So this is a very good question, it brings up a very good question, and part of that question is what's the level? Where do we intervene and where do we say we just ignore, right? In terms of families, in terms of families, other families and being involved or whatever the case may be, right? Like, what's the level? What at what stage do I say uh uh because you're right, there is a level of privacy that needs to be had within families as well. But what's the level where we say, okay, yes, we don't understand there's privacy, but somebody needs to get involved.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

Okay, but then like it it gets messy because everyone's values are different, value systems are different, right? Their belief systems are different. So what's okay in one family may not be okay with another family. For example, like going back to like the the girl, you know, I don't agree with it, but what if the dad thinks, hey, this is my daughter, I could discipline her however I want. You know what I'm saying? Like, but it's hard for you because of your experience with abuse with your value system, right? It's very messy because we're just gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

It becomes very messy, but I think at some point, unless we all agree that there's some moral hierarchy or moral objectivity that we ascribe to, then we're gonna be all over the place. And I would say that there is some higher level of moral superiority or moral uh objectivity that we have to ascribe to just as humans, where a human has to have a certain amount of dignity, right? Uh uh human has to uh deserve a certain amount of dignity. Well, I don't care what family they're in, they deserve a certain amount of dignity, and uh I think it's important for us to get to that. If we don't have that, then things get screwed up very quickly.

SPEAKER_03 16:28

But that's a reality, isn't it? Like, and we see it every day with how people are treated, right? Absolutely. So it's it's like it's it's a little nihilistic um in in the sense that like dang, like you see this problem, but there's like no real way to to fix it.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Yeah, because like because you're right.

SPEAKER_03 16:53

It's all over the place, it's all over the place, and and okay, I think it's easier, like let's say we're we're Americans, so we're if we're in America, we're um I know there are lots of division in our country right now. I'm not talking about that, but I'm talking about like we have the constitution, we have the law, we have we have a basis, a really firm basis. You know, other countries do too, like they have their own religion and they have their own laws. But then when like a mix of culture comes into play, right? It becomes a messy situation, it becomes messy because what's allowed in my culture might not be allowed in this culture, in this culture or that culture or that culture. So, how do you when you notice trouble in another family's home? Do you go gaga what not name digging? And then you just like go, you know what, not my monkey, not my circus.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

Yeah. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

SPEAKER_03 17:48

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

SPEAKER_03 17:51

Or do you do you intervene?

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Like it's and I think um it's rough. I think there's a level when someone's life is at stake. I think that's probably one of those levels. Yes, yes, yes, you know what I mean. Yes, and in that situation I got involved in, yeah, I the it was, I think that our life was probably at stake. Definitely physical harm. No, no, no, I think, but I'm just saying that that's definitely a level that I wouldn't say that you have to intervene, you know, um, or someone should intervene. But once again, we're not we our goal is not to be political, but just to like really try to understand because it's actually it's a great saying, but understanding what's behind it is also important as well. And it's our it's part of our goal once again to bridge generations, nations, and stations. Yes, and this is one of those areas like we have to have these type of conversations in order to bridge those generations, nations, and stations.

SPEAKER_03 18:44

And we will talk about things that are not talked about.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

We'll talk about things that are not talked about, and we'll talk about the hard topics and hard situations. This is one of them.

SPEAKER_03 18:52

And we don't have an answer.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

We don't we don't have the answer. We have answers. They may not be the answer, but you understand? Yes, right, yes.

SPEAKER_03 19:02

Um I mean, like honestly, speaking from my perspective, knowing my tendencies and my personalities, like I am, I I will be your nosiest friend. Like, I'd be like, what's going on? What's going on? Like, what's behind this? Right. Like, why, why, well, why do you have a black eye? Like, why?

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Well, that's one of the questions too, is being able to ask questions like this says, to be able to look in and ask questions. I think that's important. Like, for instance, in the situation I talked about, if it was my very first time hearing, I might do a bit more uh investigation. Right, right? But I had already known from before that you understand, right?

SPEAKER_03 19:49

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

So, or had seen bruises before. Yeah, so this was like, well, this is not happening. Yes, yes. You understand? You immediately so I immediately, it wasn't like, oh, out of nowhere, this girl calls me, screams, and I no, no, no, no. Right, does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

It's hard, it's it's hard to know when and how to react in these situations because you don't really know how you react until you actually like come into the situation, but to have a you know, it I think that some of us have actually encountered situations like this where we should get involved, or we it there's a question. Have any of you ever encountered a situation like this? What did you do? Uh, do you agree with the saying? Like it's great, it's a great question. Like, let us know in the comments. Uh, let us know how you handle the situation if you've been in a situation like this where there was something going on in a family. Um, also answer this question about what is the level? Like, where do you think the level starts? Where did it where does it end?

SPEAKER_03 20:50

Where should you get involved?

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Where should you get involved? Where should we have other people get involved? Where I think that it's easy in uh places where there's laws put in place regarding certain things to get other people involved, but it may not necessarily be, you know.

SPEAKER_03 21:06

So I mean, like, so okay, let's let's take a step back because we were talking about like physical abuse or like you know uh verbal abuse. Yeah, but as the video the the animation showed, like uh the difficult scripture could be financial, it could be, yes, right? It could be like it could be different things, so it's it's not just about you know we just did that because I came up with the story, but yes, it could be financial So if you know that a friend is struggling financially, right? What are our obligations as friends?

SPEAKER_00 21:43

That's a great question, actually.

SPEAKER_03 21:46

If your friends are struggling to pay bills this month, they can't make rent.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

I I think those situations are a bit simpler because there's it's a bit black and white.

SPEAKER_03 21:57

I don't know if it's simpler because it's like Like you know, when it talks about money, we all get funny.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

We all get funny when it talks about money.

SPEAKER_03 22:07

Don't we?

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Like man, people even in their families get funny with money. You understand what I'm saying? Like, well, oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 22:14

Well, because I mean, like, there's so many aspects to it, right? Like I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

I for me, I I've always like if I see people struggling in that way, I'm like, well, once again, may all your problems be financial, so and there's always a way to make money. Yeah. Always. So it's like any way that I can help, I want to help, you know. Um in fact, you know, one of my favorite things, one of my favorite uh Instagram to uh check out is the one where they give people money on the street and they you know, and it's like, oh man, I need it. This is it. You I love that. I can't wait till we're able to do that because man, I am looking forward to the day where we can just find people on the street and be like, bam, there you go. Bless you. Yeah, that's one of my favorite things. So uh, but I'm saying like yeah, I think that's I think that's not simpler as in, oh, that's easy to fix, but simpler is in it's easier to get involved.

SPEAKER_03 23:13

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Right?

SPEAKER_00 23:14

Yes, it's easier to get involved in a financial situation than it is like an emotional situation, abusive situation, yes, yeah. Even health situations, yeah, those are harder. Financial ones are much easier to get involved with, and people are much ready, more ready, I believe, to accept any type of help in those situations more than the other ones. Um you think so? For the most part, sometimes for the most part. I think it's uh what do you think? What do you guys think?

SPEAKER_03 23:46

We don't got it. We don't got it.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

It's called unanswered for a reason.

SPEAKER_03 23:51

So we need your help. What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 23:54

What do you think? Um honestly, would you be more ready to accept financial help or medical help? I'll say or health, like, or help with like family issues, like as far as like relationships, relationships and emotional help. See, even just thinking about it, you get the heapies, the heapy the jeebies, you know, it's like I don't know. You're not people typically are not ready just to bring people into their mess, you know. It's like, oh, that's oh man.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Whereas if somebody's like, hey, can I get I'm like, yeah, I don't mind.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

It's like and then like honestly, with even with the financial bit, like I think I would like to think that most people would be theoretically willing to help, but there are also people who are like niches who abuse the system, who just like who'd rather not work and just borrow money forever. Yes, you know, like and so helping those people becomes enabling. Yeah, and liability, yes. So you don't want to do that either. So I I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

Um but we have like jumped all over the place from from where our saying really was, okay? And that is basically not judging the family just by what you see on the outside, and we've gone into all these issues. We have opened up Pandora's box on like all of the issues that happen, and we cannot answer all of those questions today, actually, right?

SPEAKER_03 25:40

No, because I think each one of those situations, we could turn into its own episode, honestly, we can turn into its own episode, and so but guys, this is what I would say have wisdom, like chase wisdom. If you're gonna chase anything in life, wisdom would be it. Because if you have wisdom, that would it would guide you, it would lead you to to make good judgment calls in all these situations, right? Because they're all different, they are all different, they're all different. There's no formula that anybody can give you. If someone tells you on Instagram they have like the surefire fire way to fix family troubles or like to solve family feuds, just scroll, scroll on past, like they are lying to you, like it's not true, it's so complicated, it's so messy, like it's not true. But if you have wisdom, you'd be able to find a way out.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

Yeah, and it's I think it's uh great to mention that wisdom may not necessarily just come from ourselves, but it's great to seek wisdom from other individuals who may have gone through those situations. Yes, because wisdom is applied knowledge, right? Yes, so yeah, if we can actually get it from other people as well, it's it's beneficial. So people who have gone through and have been successful in those different areas, whatever the case may be, it's extremely helpful. So, yes, does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 27:06

It does.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

Wow, we covered a lot today, and I'm not sure. I don't know, I feel worse off than when we began. I'm like, I I am now more confusing. This confibulated, yes. So, no, but it's something that we have to keep talking through, and maybe we'll have to do a second one on this one, just talking about uh yeah, the family and all those other topics that we brought up, which are crazy. So, but um, we want to thank you guys for joining us. We're getting close to the end here, so we want to thank each one of you for joining in. But before we go, we want to ask each one of you to go ahead and press that subscribe button.

SPEAKER_03 27:43

And follow us on your favorite social media platforms. We are on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, X, and on LinkedIn. Also, don't forget, we have a website, unanswered100.com. Come visit us, drop us a note. Yeah, come find us, unanswered 100 everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

On all social media platforms, on our website. Unanswered100.com. Sound good? Gravy. All right, thank you guys for joining us again. Come visit us in Design, leave us some comments, and oh, also let us know if there's an Arabic equivalent to this saying. I totally forgot to ask that. Let us know if there's an Arabic equivalent, all right? We'd love to hear that too. Leave us any other questions or comments or themes or anything else in the comments. We'll see you next time.