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The BBQ Pork Burn: The Cantonese Insult That Cuts Deep [Ep. 020]

• Joe & Joyce • Season 1 • Episode 20

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0:00 | 28:51

生舊叉燒都好過生你.

In Cantonese, it means: "I'd rather have given birth to a piece of BBQ pork than to you."

It's one of the most cutting insults in the language. And it opens up a conversation we all need to have — about the devastating power of words spoken in anger, and the life-changing power of words spoken in love.

Joe and Joyce share their own stories — words that left scars, and words that gave them wings. And Joe opens up about something close to his heart: why, as a father, he takes every word he speaks to his daughter as seriously as a promise. Because he believes the words a parent speaks become the voice a child carries for the rest of their life.

If someone's words ever broke you — or built you — this episode is for you.

🔔 Subscribe for more hidden histories behind everyday idioms, proverbs, and sayings from different cultures.

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SPEAKER_02

True strength is restrained. My dad told me this when I was younger. Joe, you think you're strong because you're a big guy, but that's not where true strength lies. I don't have to let these mean words come out. That's true strength. Because who can control their tongue? Welcome to another episode of An Answer. This is a podcast where we love to think, question, and connect. We use idioms, phrases, and famous sayings from different cultures to examine life's biggest questions and hopefully help you find some answers. My name is Joe.

SPEAKER_04

And I'm Joyce. We are an American family living in the beautiful city of Jazan, Saudi Arabia.

SPEAKER_02

We love to abridge uh generations, nations, and stations. And uh we also want to give you guys a small glimpse into our live whenever we can. But before we do any of that, the first thing we want to ask from you is to hit that subscribe button.

SPEAKER_04

And follow us on your favorite social media platform. We are on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, LinkedIn, and on X. You can find us at Unanswered100. We'll are we have a very interesting thing. Yeah, it's really interesting, actually.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. You want to go ahead and say that saying?

SPEAKER_04

I have to say it with like menace on my face. That's it. Sangot Hasiu the Hogasang.

SPEAKER_02

That's not a good sign. Say it one more time.

SPEAKER_04

Sang outsiu the hogosange.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_04

Alright.

SPEAKER_02

Alright, let's watch this video and then after that, we'll come back and talk about it.

SPEAKER_04

Sango Thasyu the Hogosang. I would have been better off giving birth to a chunk of barbecue pork than to you. A cantonese saying, We're traveling back to post-World War II Hong Kong in the 1950s. Times were hard, and most families were hustling to make ends meet. Imagine one humid evening. A tired mom got off multiple bus transfers and dragged her tired feet into her cramped apartment. She quietly starts preparing dinner in the tiny kitchen when she caught a glimpse of her teenage son lounging aimlessly on the sofa, reading a comic book, his homework untouched. Immediately, anger surges from deep within her and she snaps. I would have been better off giving birth to a chunk of barbecue pork than to you. This line went viral in its time and spread through crowded stairwells, Dai Pai Dong, family gatherings. It's raw, it's sharp, half joking, also half heartbroken. It didn't come from ancient scrolls or famous poets, but it bubbled up from real heartaches of hardworking parents who sacrificed everything only to see their entitled kids throwing it away. By the 1970s, it's in Cantonese songs, 80s TV dramas, and seeped into everyday Cantonese scoldings. Love can wound with expectation. The old-style Cantonese wisdom warns modern-day kids not to fulfill its prophecy. Make your life worth more than barbecue pork. Make it delicious.

SPEAKER_02

That's what I was gonna say. That's literally what I was just about to say.

SPEAKER_04

Literally, it means I'd rather, I'd be better off giving birth to a piece of barbecue pork than to you. So it's very harsh in nature.

SPEAKER_02

Why are you so good at insults? Like why? Like, why are you guys like always insulting, okay?

SPEAKER_04

It's like this because you know why? Because that's our love language.

SPEAKER_01

That's what I mean. Yes. I have been on the other side of a couple of those insults. I've never said this to you. Every day you hurt my feelings. What? I just break down a little more inside.

SPEAKER_04

But but we're very good at insults. Yes. Kids are very good at insults. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

Or it just how did this become a saint? So here's my question. Ama. I'm about to ask the real question. Has your parents, grandparents, whatever family members ever used this with you?

SPEAKER_04

So my parents have never said this to me. Really? Yes. See?

SPEAKER_02

Let's just choose for Amma, I guess.

SPEAKER_04

But I do have a savage grandma. I do ha I I I have had a savage grandma. Yes. So it's not with us anymore. It's not with us anymore. She's very dear, but she um she has she has an unrefined way of speaking.

SPEAKER_01

She had a colorful way of using her words.

SPEAKER_04

I don't think um she's ever told me that she'd rather have given birth to a chunk of pork than to me, but she's used other insults. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

So here's the question. Why pork? Why why a chunk of pork?

SPEAKER_04

Because I can eat it.

SPEAKER_02

That's okay. That's what I'm I'm asking, like how Because I can eat it and feel full.

SPEAKER_04

At least I have something.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, I guess that makes sense.

SPEAKER_04

Remember the handful of sand? Yes. Like at least I can be full.

SPEAKER_02

Cantonese.

SPEAKER_04

So you have to understand this is said in extreme anger. Yes. Right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, in moments of extreme anger, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

So when the mom or the grandma's mad, they they'd be like, you're so useless. Well, you can't even. If I've given birth to a chunk of Tasu, I would have had a good meal and my tummy would have been full.

SPEAKER_02

So you know what this reminds me of? What? I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04

What?

SPEAKER_02

So you remember, I don't know how long it was. Uh it was a Disney short, and uh what's uh Bao, I think was the name of it.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, Bao. Disney is Bao, Disney Bao. Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_02

And so uh, this is what that reminds me of when you talk about that. It reminds me her like trying to work with this kid, work with her son, all this good stuff. But he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen, he would do what she wanted, and then at one point she just got so mad, she just picked him up and ate him.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, yes, that is the sentiment.

SPEAKER_01

I was mortified, I was traumatized. I was like, what the heck just happened? This lady just picked up Diddy and just ate him, and I'm going Disney. What are we making? Like, what is happening?

SPEAKER_04

You know what? Maybe they got their inspiration from this phrase.

SPEAKER_02

Uh yeah, maybe they did their research.

SPEAKER_04

That so didn't- Oh my gosh, that's awesome!

SPEAKER_02

Very good.

SPEAKER_04

That's all you're right.

SPEAKER_02

But yes, do you remember that scene?

SPEAKER_04

Okay, so it's the same thing. Visually explosive.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. So the the anger and the exasperation was simply because this guy was not really meeting the expectations that she had, right? And so this always presents that question of the expectations between generations or between you know, yes, adults. And what are those expectations? Are we obligated to meet those expectations? Are you know those are big questions? What do you think?

SPEAKER_04

They are. Um did we talk about this in another episode about like affilial piety and honoring our parents?

SPEAKER_02

Maybe we did. Maybe we don't have to be able to do that. Maybe we did, yes. So it's the same thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

It's it's on the same line. We definitely want to honor our parents, but then I think like there's definitely room for I mean, like, we're created as individuals. We have individual aspirations, we have different dreams and hopes, and um, I would hope that our parents, grandparents would respect that as well, you know.

SPEAKER_02

You would hope that they would respect that. You'd also hope that they would treat you as an individual and honor and respect, honor and respect your boundaries. Yes, yes, yes. But with it all of that coming back to one major point is that I'm gonna say this the words, even though I know it's given in Cantonese, it's yeah, culturally, it's very, very well, I mean it's used, it's common, yes, and it's funny. But words actually hurt. Yes, you know, words can do damage, and so that's the question I have is even though this is uh very culturally common and acceptable in many the in many instances, circumstances, uh do the words still hurt?

SPEAKER_04

Uh yes, they do.

SPEAKER_02

You understand?

SPEAKER_04

They do, yes, yes. Although this exact phrase has not been said to me, like in an angry way, you know, similar phrases have been has been um spit in my spat in my face. And like those words stung and it stayed with me for a long time. I mean, like just think about it even like outside of your family, have you ever had a mean teacher who's called you dumb?

SPEAKER_02

Or you mean to name them?

SPEAKER_04

Name and shame. Go for it. For shame. I grew up in Hong Kong. I went to primary school there where every class had like, I don't know, 45, 50 students. So, like, and one teacher, they are exasperated a lot, and plus, like, I wasn't the best rule follower. So I always get in trouble. I've gone like maybe I won't go into all the stories today. Maybe one of these days I'll tell some. But but like I've gotten into my share of troubles, you know, a fair share of trouble. I remember one time, it made my teacher so mad. I think it's over homework is always homework. Like, eight-year-olds don't like doing homework. So I didn't do my homework, and the teacher wouldn't believe me. Well, I may have lied. Uh, and then so she's learned not to believe me. So she humiliated me yelling at me, and she came over to my desk, put my backpack onto the desk, and flipped it over, emptied my back to see if I was hiding like anything.

SPEAKER_02

Wow, that sounds like a teacher who was way overstressed and needed like a she needed a spa day. She needed a spa day for sure. But yeah, but getting back to the the the topic, it was very, very like probably traumatized exactly traumatizing experience. And I I think that we experienced that definitely from the older generation, but I think it's just as traumatic even sometimes when we receive it from peers or people who are you know there's something to be said about bullying and the effects of it and how people experience it. Yeah, it's traumatizing. And even though sometimes it's said in jest by even friends, you know, it can be said in jest, but it's actually very, very uh I'm gonna say debilitating, right? Yeah, it's it it can be very hurtful to an individual. And some of those words are they sting, and I think that the words are powerful, but the emotion that goes with those words, the way you feel is even more powerful. And so I remember the way they make you feel. The way they make you feel, yes, and so there you there's that old saying that says, uh, people will forget what you say to them, but they will never forget how you've made them feel.

SPEAKER_04

Oh my gosh, it's so true, right?

SPEAKER_02

It's so true, and so I I mean, it's almost as in when you when you remember it, you're drawn right back into that moment, you know, and those feelings sometimes come up. I don't know, have you guys ever experienced this? Uh or man, am I gonna say this? Okay, yes, so I was really bullied. I know that's hard to believe, me being as cool as I am. I was bullied mercilessly in uh I think it was middle school, uh more even high school. I bullied mercilessly until I started growing a little bit. And then for some reason, like the bullying became less and less. And uh yeah, but before that, yeah. Yeah, it was, I mean, I'm telling you, I was bullied mercilessly. And I still remember, I don't even remember what any of those guys, the ones I'm thinking of specifically, their faces are in my brain. I don't remember a thing they said to me, but I definitely remember how they made me feel. And I mean if I wasn't a better man, if I hadn't had, if I haven't like matured, if I met them nowadays, and if I hadn't reached the maturity that I have experienced right now, man, it would be on. You know, I mean, on site, it we we're going at because that's how you feel. Like that feeling never if you don't experience some type of forgiveness or whatever the case is, then it's it never leaves. It's like you can remember that emotion even from that same instance. And I have their names, like why would I remember these people? I have their names still in my mind. Like I can remember their names, and so I'm forgiven and I'm moved on, and I'm probably in a way, way better place than some of those guys. I know I am, but um, that that's all beside the point. It's not a ha ha ha ha, but ha ha ha. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry, forgive me.

SPEAKER_04

So that's that's a really good example of like how our like people's words actually stay with us. Yeah, why don't we flip it around? Okay, have we ever said angry words like that?

SPEAKER_00

I'm gonna excuse myself at this point. This has been a nice show. Thank you guys. I'll see you later.

SPEAKER_04

That's a fair question. Have we ever said words okay, to be fair, we we don't know how our words make people feel because you know that's that's how it goes, right? You say it, you don't you dish it out, you don't feel it. But but they do, they do sting, as we have experienced.

SPEAKER_02

Joyce, I have had so many instances that even thinking about them right now, I regret. I regret it.

SPEAKER_04

See, that's a question. Oh my gosh, I regret it. You said anything in the past, angry words that you later regretted.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, I'm I'm not gonna lie, yes, I've said angry words that I've regretted. And it's not I I don't even think you have to be angry necessarily. For me, you know my history. And so at that point in my life, I was in such a state that it wasn't you know how in Marvel uh the Avengers, when they're like, How do you keep it under control? And he's like, You want to know my secret? He's like Who said this? Uh Hulk. Hulk? Oh, okay, okay. Before he changes, he's like, You want you wanted to know my secret? I'm always angry. And then he changes it to the Hulk and like starts like you know, throwing hands. And that was literally a state for me at one point in my life. Like a constant state. It's a constant state where it's just you're always angry, so it doesn't even feel like anger, it's just words at that point.

SPEAKER_04

Oh you understand?

SPEAKER_02

Your state is that you're always angry, so it's just words, you're just bleeding all over everybody all the time.

SPEAKER_04

Oof.

SPEAKER_02

You understand what I mean?

SPEAKER_04

We talked about this before. Like our words is an overflow of what's inside. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

So that's what you're saying is going to come out.

SPEAKER_04

Because your your baseline is anger.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_04

So everything that comes out was we're angry.

SPEAKER_02

It was angry. And I said a number of things during that period that yeah, I regret. Um, yeah, I there's no better way to say it is that I regret. And even at a point when I was uh trying to or in a process of healing, it still took that time to heal before I could actually change what was, you know, I had to change what was inside so that what was outside matched what was inside. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. So it's crazy. Yeah. Words have a powerful impact.

SPEAKER_04

But sometimes we don't realize it or we forget. Yeah. I think I think we forget that words have power, but I think it's a fact that we have to recognize that our words have power. And also another thing we forget, we tend to forget, is that we actually carry authority with us. And our words have authority. Like, what do I mean by that? Like, okay, so in hindsight, when I'm thinking about like my fourth grade teacher who humiliated me, right? Like in front of the whole class of 50. Um, she probably forgot that she had authority. Like, outside of the classroom, she's probably just an ordinary woman in her 20s, you know, like dating, you know, going home to visit parents. Like, she probably doesn't feel like, you know, she's not like the governor or the president of any country. Like, she probably doesn't feel like she has much authority. But when she was in the classroom with 50 like young students, she had absolute authority. Yes. So she's controlling what they're hearing, she's shaping their minds. That's authority, that's power.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

So she probably didn't remember that. Like maybe like anger overtook her, and she didn't remember that. And so she let those words out, that those actions out without thinking twice about it.

SPEAKER_03

Wow.

SPEAKER_04

So, and uh I think maybe um, you know, I didn't know this until someone told me or taught me that our words actually we have authority, and our words carry that authority.

SPEAKER_02

I know you've heard the example where people will be you get up and you're like, man, this is a crap day. This day sucks. This is and then you wind up having a bad day, right? And it's part of it's because your words, I think they get into your psyche and they start to help control your emotions or whatever the case is, so that you actually respond to those words, right?

SPEAKER_04

Um I think they're like actually scientific studies.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely, it has to be, yes. I I have exercises that I've done with people that show them this. And I mean, I can't do it here because it would just look weird and people would think we're but yeah, there's exercises that you can do that will show a person, yeah, this this is actually very, very powerful. But one of the greatest ways to understand just how powerful your words are are to look at your children.

unknown

Uh uh.

SPEAKER_02

How so man, because they will often hang on every word. Not only will they often hang on it, they will they will say the words that you say. They will sometimes they're like little parrots. They're sponsorship. It becomes their inner voice everything, and then exactly, and then they repeat it. And so when I see honestly, honestly, when I see little kids running around, little kids who are swearing and stuff, I don't have to look at the kids. Already know what the parent is doing at home. You understand? Yeah, I already know, and that's not trying to point fingers, I'm just calling a spade a spade. If you want to see how the parents are, just look at the kids. Because that's how much influence, that's how much authority they have within that kid's life. And they're going to say what they have been hearing. Typically, yes, they're going to say everything that because they are learning, learning, learning, learning, learning. Yes. And that's why with uh our daughter, she's 10 at this point. Um I am constantly, I don't even want to say, I've she's never heard me say a swear word. You can ask her. I've never sworn in front of her. Is it true? I've never sworn. In our time of living being married over 15 years, have you ever heard me say a swear word?

SPEAKER_04

No.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly. I'm not trying to puff myself up. It's just, first of all, I just think it's I think it's uneducated, to be honest. I'm just calling it what it is. Don't come at me. I think that if you can't find other words to use, then yes, that is what it is. That's another topic. We'll talk about it later. But um the other thing is just I don't want her. I can imagine the look on her face. You understand? I've seen the look on her face when I've had to punish her. I I remember one time when she was very young where I had to punish her, and I saw that look on her face. Joyce, it it broke her face. Oh my gosh. It broke me. And I'm like, I want to build this young person up. I want her to strive to be the best that she can ever be. But what I never want to do is I never want to break her spirit. Yeah. Why?

SPEAKER_01

Because she's worth so much more, and there's all of this potential, and all of it wrapped up in this little being that can be grow up to be like incredible things. And all of that can be influenced by my one angry moment.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. All of it can be torn apart. Man, I'm getting emotional. All of it can be torn apart. My one angry elder. So anything I say to her, anything that I do to her, I want to make sure she understands that it's out of love. That it's because she is one of the most important things in my life and the best thing that I've created. So I'm going to be wise in how I use my words. And I know we not all of us can control ourselves, but we always want to be working toward that design.

SPEAKER_04

We're not perfect, but we're always striving to be better.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm not passing judgment on anybody. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_04

I think you're just realizing the authority that you have as a father.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_04

And that's exactly what we're talking about. I think we have to realize there we we have authority in our lives, whether as a parent, as uh son and sons and daughters, as a friend, as a sibling, older or younger, as uh a teacher, as like all these roles as a coworker, um, all these roles that we play, we carry authority with it with us. So our words actually make a powerful impact. Now we've we've been saying like angry words, but I think the opposite is also true. The same way that angry words sting and and we the the recipient yeah they tear down and the recipients remember the the traumatizing effects after like decades. I think positive life-giving words are also the same. They they work the same.

SPEAKER_02

I once again I see that as well, and I'm glad you brought that part up that the opposite is absolutely true as well. And I one thing I always say to my daughter, um, you know, many times when I put her down to bed, I'm like, hey, do you know I love you? She's like, Yes, daddy. And I'm like, Do you really know that I love you? She's like, Yes. I was like, why do I love you, Lele? She's like, Because I'm yours, because I belong to you. And I'm like, and you know nothing would ever change that. You will always be my daughter. So no matter what, I will always be your greatest cheerleader. I will always be your greatest supporter. Dude, we have got to stop this episode. We've got to stop this episode, man. I love that little girl, man.

SPEAKER_04

We we just gotta call name this episode girl dad.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, so if any of you out there are girl dads, you understand what I'm saying right now. I'm like, I will be your greatest supporter, and that doesn't mean that I don't I don't discipline. That doesn't mean that we don't because we do. If we really love them, we will discipline them, we will like try to bring them up, but it will always be with love. Yes, we'll always be gentle, patient, kind, caring. That that's what we want to be, yes, right? And um I think that this is a total side note, but I'm gonna say it. True strength, true strength. Uh my dad told me this when I was younger. He was like, Joe, you you think you're strong because you're a big guy, and you know, it's like that's not where true strength lies. True strength lies when you have all of this capacity to do damage and hurt, but you're gracious and you're gentle. It's like because true strength is restrained.

SPEAKER_04

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_02

Right?

SPEAKER_04

Oof, right. That gives me like goosebumps.

SPEAKER_02

Where you can restrain it. Like, and it's like, no, I don't have to react in this situation in this way. I don't have to let these mean words come out. That's true strength. Because who can control their tongue? You understand? That's true. That's true strength. Wow.

SPEAKER_04

Wow. Grandpa Walt.

SPEAKER_02

No, that wasn't Grandpa Walt. It was I've had many spiritual fathers, so but yeah, it wasn't Grandpa Walt.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. That's that's amazing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So man, that was a lot. That was a little heavy. Um, I got a little bit emotional as well.

SPEAKER_04

I don't think it was heavy, it was fuzzy.

SPEAKER_02

Wow, it's a bit heavy for me because I'm a guy, and we're not supposed to show those emotion. No, that's not you. It's not true. Um, first of all, first thing is uh because we're gonna have to wrap it up here, do you guys have a saying like this in Arabic? What is it? Please let us know. Leave it in the comments. Second thing is the questions that we've asked, do you have uh have you ever said any of those words angrily? If so, I would encourage you to like apologize to those individuals and even going forward to make sure that we're encouraging others. Why? Because that encouraging word can be the difference for people, it can change the total outcome of their lives. So I speak to you today, and I'm I I want to give you encouraging words to say, hey, you're worth it, you're good. It doesn't matter who you are, you're beautiful. And we just want to encourage you to always like be kind, right?

SPEAKER_04

Be kind to other people, know your authority, yes, and know the power that that uh comes with your words and use them carefully. Yeah, I think that's our encouragement, man.

SPEAKER_02

Uh hopefully, if there's any girl dads out there, uh please give me at least a shout-out that you understand that I'm not the only one, I'm not crazy. I don't think this is being like some wuss. Some people like it, you know. Um, I the goal is not to be an alpha male uh necessarily, but I think those are alpha qualities, to be totally honest. To be, but that that that's beside the point because that's not my goal. My goal is not to please other people. But for all of you, what would please us more than anything is for you to go ahead and hit that subscribe button.

SPEAKER_04

Hit that subscribe button right now, and follow us on your favorite social media platform. We are on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, LinkedIn, and on X at unanswered100.com. And don't forget, uh, check out our website, uh unanswered100.com. You connect with us there. So go ahead and check it out.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Unanswered, a place where we will always try to think, question, and connect. I want to encourage you to be kind to someone today. Say a kind word to someone, uh, tell someone they're great. And because you guys are. Thank you for joining us. See you next time. We look forward to seeing you next time. Bye.