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Is Love Really Blind? | Love, Infatuation & The Truth About Real Commitment [Ep. 022]

• Joe & Joyce • Season 1 • Episode 22

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Is love really blind — or are we just choosing not to see clearly?

In this episode Joe and Joyce crack open one of the most quoted sayings about love and ask the question nobody wants to answer honestly. What's the difference between love and infatuation? Can you actually choose who you fall for? And is love even love without commitment?

This one gets personal. And it might change how you think about every relationship you've ever had.

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SPEAKER_00

If you want to find that kind of love, you need to be fishing in the right pond and you need to be fishing with the right bait. Okay? Okay. If you throw out the wrong bait, whatever kind of fish you want to get, you gotta throw out the kind of bait to get that kind of fish.

SPEAKER_02

Whatever do you need? So if I'm coming so wrong.

SPEAKER_00

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Unanswered, a podcast where we love to think, question, and connect. We love to use idioms, phrases, and famous sayings from different cultures to examine life's biggest problems and hopefully help you find some answers. My name is Joe.

SPEAKER_02

And I'm Joyce. We love to bridge generations, nations, and stations and give you a glimpse into our lives.

SPEAKER_00

But before we give you a glimpse into our life, what we need you to do. Put a finger and press the subscribe button.

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Press it now.

SPEAKER_02

And follow us on your favorite social media platform. We are on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, X, LinkedIn, Unanswered 100. You can find us on all these platforms.

SPEAKER_00

All the social media, okay? Just go look at it and subscribe.

SPEAKER_02

We have a great idiom. This is a great one.

SPEAKER_00

It's not only a great one, it's one that I think has lots of questions and conversations and always comes up.

SPEAKER_02

It's in every language. It's in every language, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. So it's love is blind.

SPEAKER_00

That was bad. Okay, but before we get into it, let's see what the idiom says and where it came from. What do you think? Yeah, let's watch. Let's watch.

SPEAKER_02

Love is blind. An ancient Greek proverb. Two thousand five hundred years ago, the Greeks had a god for love. His name was Eros, and they painted him blindfolded. Not by accident. That blindfold was a statement. Love cannot see. Love will not see. It was a warning built into the image itself. Plato took it further. He wrote that a person in love is blinded to truth, to reason, to reality. And he didn't think that was romantic. He thought it was dangerous. For centuries, that idea lived in paintings, in sculptures, in whispered warnings, but nobody had written it as a phrase. Until Shakespeare. He didn't just use the phrase, he became obsessed with it. It appears in play after play. But his boldest statement: a fairy queen who falls desperately, hopelessly in love with a donkey, unable to see what everyone else could plainly see. Shakespeare wasn't being funny, he was making a point. And then 400 years later, science proved them both right. In 2004, researchers at University College London discovered that falling in love literally switches off the parts of your brain responsible for critical thinking and judgment. Love isn't just figuratively blind. So the real question is: what are you choosing not to see?

SPEAKER_00

This is a great big question.

SPEAKER_02

It's yeah, I think it's very telling that this saying came from thousands of years ago and traveled across culture, and every culture that I know of adopted a version of it. So it's it tells me that it's it's a universal sentiment.

SPEAKER_00

That's what I was gonna say, it's universal. Every culture deals with this, it doesn't matter. I I think everyone is asking this question, right? Yeah, and that is is love blind? We we all are dealing with that in some way, shape, or form. Is love blind? So what do you think? Just answer the question right now. Answer the question. This is gonna be a two-minute episode.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my gosh. I can't in good conscience agree to it because I love for me, I think it's very much an action. And yes, so I think I I understand the sentiment and I agree with it if we can define the the word a little bit better. Because I if someone says to me, is in if someone asks me, is infatuation blind, I was saying, Yes, it is. I've experienced it, I've seen it, I've witnessed it. Yes, infatuation is absolutely blind. It's the the crushing face. I gotta crush. Oh, I found that.

SPEAKER_00

What you're saying basically is that we we have a different definition of love. So um we're talking about can do people just fall in love, or is it like do they just blindly fall in love, right? Um, is love blind? And you're saying, well, we first need to define what we mean when we say love, right? Yes, and so there's two different definitions, I think, major definitions. Of course, there's many different kinds of love. Yes, right, right, right. Many, but two different definitions that we're kind of working with today. Yeah. Would you say that?

SPEAKER_02

There's infatuation and there's love.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, let me rephrase that. So there's infatuation and they're live, and there's two separate things.

SPEAKER_02

It's two separate things.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so describe them. What is infatuation?

SPEAKER_02

When, okay, from uh girls' point of view, when I see someone who's really cute, a boy who's really cute.

SPEAKER_00

Like me.

SPEAKER_02

Honey. I think you're all that. Um yeah, so you just or you know, some character attribute that you're really attracted to. Like it could be looks, it could be their personality, it could be their physique, it could be their voice, it could be the way they they treat you. I don't know. Like it could be so many things.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think uh I would agree with that. That's partly infatuation. Um I don't think I need to describe infatuation for guys, but uh was uh but I think that many people mistake it for love. But before we jump into that, what would you say love is? You you already described it a little bit.

SPEAKER_02

Like I said, I think love is an action word. And also you can't separate love from commitment. Without commitment, you can't call it love. Would you agree?

SPEAKER_00

That is actually a very deep statement. So without commitment, you can't call it love. Let me, I would say it more like without relationship, which is commitment, you can't call it love. Like without deep relationship, you can't really call it love. You can call it commitment, we can call it stability of relationship, um, but it there or that that promise of uh loyalty.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I mean, yeah, you don't have to call it marriage because uh some people are allergic to the name to the term marriage, and that's fine. Don't get married. But if we're honest, it all boils down to commitment. I would say get married.

SPEAKER_00

I'm saying get married. It's one of the best things that can that can happen to you.

SPEAKER_02

Real love always leads to uh a form of commitment.

SPEAKER_00

Commitment, yeah. Right? Yeah, commitment, form a relationship, yes.

SPEAKER_02

I could be infatuated with, I don't know, just like Shakespeare in Shakespeare's uh Midsummer Night uh Midsummer's Night Dream play, she was infatuated with a donkey. Honestly, I could find people cute, I could find people's voice uh very attractive, or you do it.

SPEAKER_00

Like not that voice. Uh you do it.

SPEAKER_02

Do I love them? Like I no.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I understand. And so it becomes very uh I don't know, yes. I think infatuation is more something that it doesn't have that uh commitment level to it. And with infatuation, I want to be very careful what I say right now. There's a lot of emotion involved in that infatuation stage that are all positive, all um, they're very heightened. Yeah. But I think there's almost uh also in that infatuation stage, there's a fit in that infatuation stage, there's also a lot of feeling emotions, like you know, the butterflies. It's a lot like that, whereas love is more, if I could say it's concrete.

SPEAKER_02

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00

Right? Which also goes back to that commitment that you're talking about, right? So if we talk about the definitions, we need to establish that first, right? So when we say love, we're talking about that commitment, that concrete aspect. Committed action, the infatuation aspect, right? Yeah. So when we go back to the question, is love blind? What you're saying is, or what we're saying, because I think I agree with you, is that infatuation is blind. Yes. But love is not.

SPEAKER_02

I would say so, yes.

SPEAKER_00

Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Okay. And I and I'm not denying that some infatuations would lead to love or it's a precursor to love. I mean, like, we have to be attracted to each other. That's how we're made. Right. We we need that attraction. So I'm not saying one is bad and one is not. I'm just differentiating it. Right. Because you know how in in cartoons you've got Cupid like shooting arrows at different people. Like, I I think it's very cute, but I just don't think it works like that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, well, I mean, there there's there's the other cartoons that you can think about, which I definitely don't think it like Pepe Le Pew. No, and but that wasn't love, that was just him being very creepy. Yes. Those cartoons, I don't know why, but they made me so uncomfortable when I was just they made me so uncomfortable. I was like, I don't like Pepe Le Pew. First of all, he's a skunk, but he's really, really creepy. Okay, but look what I dive in. I I I I digress. Let's go back really quick. Let's rewind. I love that the history on this, yes, right? Because it says that love is actually scientifically blind, right? Now, when it's talking about love, I think what they're talking about, what they're describing is actually that infatuation.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, the heightened emotions, all those um all those feelings, the the the warm, fuzzy feelings that that you feel when you first met someone that you have a crush on.

SPEAKER_00

But with that, just knowing that wow, that's so amazing that they did this study, first of all. Uh, what was it, 2004? Yeah, 2004, 2004. University of College London. Yes, and um, and in the study, they basically tested, like they hooked them up the sensors, hooked their brains up the sensors, and and tested to see what the uh what the activity was. And they found that the activity in certain areas, those areas where you make uh critical judgments, things of that nature, that it actually was less activity when they were in these situations with uh the love situation. Now, yes, I it's kind of wild because it's like, whoa, how did you actually do this study? You know, uh and we we can't go into all that part, that's a whole nother episode. But the reality, they said, uh, and then a lot of people allude to this, is that uh in that study, it was actually proven that your brain, the or the parts of your brain for critical thinking, for critical thinking and making critical decisions actually lessens Okay, let me read this uh decreased activities in regions associated with critical judgment and negative emotion evaluation, particular blah blah blah blah blah, particularly in the prefrontal cortex. Mind blown. So basically, uh this is this is a PSA, a public service announcement to all of you who are out there with these guys who you think are great, or girls, wherever the case may be, hey, make sure you're using your prefrontal frontal cortex, okay? Because some of our decisions are not the best decisions when we think we're in love.

SPEAKER_02

But I mean, like, it's real. Like, has that ever happened to you?

SPEAKER_00

Come on. So there's people to this day, I'll be driving down the road, I'll be like, what the heck was I ever thinking? What was I thinking? Oh my gosh. And you know, I know you've had to have that. I know there's some of you who've had that experience as well, where it's like, oh, that was such a bad, bad, uh, bad, bad choice. But at the time, it felt so right. No, it was horrible.

SPEAKER_02

It feels right. Like, I think that's the most dangerous statement. Like sometimes we just can't trust how we feel. That's just like that's just it. I don't know if you guys agree or if you guys are like real feeling people. I I'm not downing on feelings. I think feelings are great, and you know, emotions is what make us human. But sometimes we just can't 100% trust just our feelings.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And infatuation is many times based upon those feelings. Yes. And for it to actually be love, it's gotta go past that part. Um, and there's something that you said that love is more than that. I think you said that love is an action, right? Yes. And when you say that, well, I I can let you define it, but I know what I think it means. Well, you can say love is an action. Love is more than just me feeling good. Love is when I'm actually putting you first, right? Yeah. Many people think love is like, oh, I give 50%, you give 50%, right? And that's not it. I think real love is where I give 100%. I hope to get something back, but even if you don't give anything back, I still give 100%. That's love. Yes, that's action, right? And nobody wants to do that. Why? Because it's it's risky, it puts yourself out there. Yeah, it put nobody wants to do that. It's like, no, if you're not giving your 50%, then I'm not giving, but that's the reason I believe one of the reasons why so many relationships fall apart is because people are only going in halfway. Ooh, it's a risky place to be.

SPEAKER_02

To truly love, it makes you very vulnerable.

SPEAKER_00

It makes you very vulnerable.

SPEAKER_02

And I think that's yeah, that's why we have to choose wisely, because if the person you choose to love, and I'm not talking about just loving a friend, I'm I'm specifically talking about uh a spouse in a committed relationship for life. And so if you choose poorly, that'd be a disaster.

SPEAKER_00

It'd be a disaster. And I can't say that I truly love you that I truly love you if I'm only giving half of me, because that's part of that love commitment, is like, hey, I'm allowing you to see all of me. Yeah, even those messed up, messy parts, I'm allowing you to see all of me. I'm gonna give 100% and I hope to give 100% back, but even if you don't give a hundred percent back, I'm still gonna give because that's where I think that's where love gets deep, is when we both are when both people are doing that, that's where you see those extremely tight-knit relationships where people's marriages go on for like years and years because they've come to understand what that really means.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, right, yes, and it's a beautiful thing. So if we're talking about that kind of love, I would argue that it's definitely not blind. It's not blind. Explain what you mean, it's not blind because what we're saying is that we see each other's flaws, we see each other's imperfections, and we still choose to love. So, in that sense, love becomes a choice. It is definitely not blind. Again, I understand the sentiment and I appreciate it, but real love is not blind, it is a choice, it is a choice that we make, and I think that's very empowering to those who who want to fall in love, who wants to be in a future committed relationship, or who's in one? It's very empowering because if you can't help but fall in love with someone, then maybe one day you can't help but fall out of love with someone.

SPEAKER_00

Well, that was a question I was gonna ask next is do people uh fall in love? Do they just fall in love or do they choose it?

SPEAKER_02

Well, you know what my answer is. Because I think in order to really love, you have to choose it.

SPEAKER_00

But some people would argue with you and they would say, no, you they fall in love and you can't choose who you fall in love with. I've heard that many times. People say, Oh, you can't choose who you fall in love with. No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02

You cannot choose who you're infatuated with because it's it's like a physical reaction, right? Like even after we're married, like I can still find people cute or I can still find people's like qualities attractive. That doesn't mean I'm offering them any commitment. I'm not. Okay, I find you cute. So great.

SPEAKER_00

I gotta be careful when I say this, but I'm gonna say I think you can choose who you fall in love with, A. And I also think you can even choose to some degree who you're infatuated with.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, explain.

SPEAKER_00

Look, if you cannot choose, then we'd have people who are falling in love with their sisters and their siblings, their brother. You understand? No, there's certain people who they may be attractive, but you've put a stopgap. Like there's nothing that will ever happen with this person, right? I have I have siblings, I have sisters, I think they're beautiful. There is no way that I get involved with any of my. I have friends who I'm like, there is absolutely no way me and this individual will get together. What's yes, yes? No, I've put a stopgap there. Are they attractive? Yes. I'm sure they're attractive, right? But is there anything that you see what I'm saying? Yeah, so I think that you you have a choice.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I would agree. I I wasn't thinking about that. I was just thinking, you know, I don't know, you meet someone new and you find them attractive. It almost doesn't even go through your critical thinking part of your brain. Like because it's a reaction. I find you attractive, but I'm not gonna feast on it. I'm not gonna dwell on it. I'm not gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_00

It's the same thing when a woman, like, she might find a guy attractive, but his financial means do not meet her expectations. And all of a sudden, everything's gone. I'm not getting involved with this guy. Why? Because it's a choice. Because she she chose not to be with him, and so I think it goes both ways, but I'm thinking it's not just you fall in love. Now, in those situations when you fall in infatuation, it's because we've let certain guards, guard guard wheels down so that they can be crossed.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, but I think some listeners would have trouble with us saying this because we have so deromanticized love. I mean that's not that's not our goal. I'm not here, we're not here to burst your bubbles. But have we been saying we have deromanticized love or no, no, no, we have because we're talking about love in such a concrete, uh in such concrete terms.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, but in those concrete terms, we're not mentioning the feelings that come with that. Yeah, when you give all of yourself to a person and they're giving all of themselves to you. That's the most beautiful thing. That's just the most beautiful. Think about it. I I haven't even watched the notebook fully. I've seen parts, I know you have. But you know the notebook, the movie, right? Yes, yes. And people go gaga over that movie because they this person wanted to give all of themselves to them. You understand? Yeah, and so even a lot of that is infatuation. A lot of that is still not that deep, deep love. But when you see an old couple and the old man goes up behind his wife and they and he's just rubbing her back and stuff like that, everybody gets kidding. Why? Because it's such a long test, it's such a cute thing. But even if one of them is sick and he stays or she stays by him in the hospital bed, then come on, it grabs us at the heart, right? And for them, it may be challenging, but they understand. They understand the feelings that come with that are so powerful, and it goes far beyond infatuation. It's true, far beyond infatuation.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, yes, and that and those emotions and feelings can is a fruit of uh the committed love, I think. Yeah. And it's not a one time thing, it's it May start with a one-time thing that we call like wedding vows, but it's it's a daily, it's a daily choice, it's a daily recommitment of that choice that you've made, and that is what build the depth of the relationship, I think.

SPEAKER_00

So we've talked about what it's like in a marriage relationship, but a lot of our viewers are not married.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Right? So here's a question. How do they find that?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, find love?

SPEAKER_00

How do they find that kind of love?

SPEAKER_02

Um It's a good question, yeah? It's a good question. Um I gotta I got some thoughts. Go for it. I gotta think.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so if you want to find that kind of love, I always say it this way. Please don't take this offensively offensively. But you need to be fishing with the right bait. You understand what I'm saying? Okay, you need to be fishing in the right pond and you need to be fishing with the right bait, okay? Okay, if you throw out the wrong bait, whatever kind of fish you want to get, you gotta throw out the kind of bait to get that kind of fish. Okay. What do you mean? Whatever do you mean? If I'm told it's so wrong.

SPEAKER_02

I'm so nervous right now.

SPEAKER_00

Whatever do you mean? If I want to catch a shark, what kind of bait do I use? I don't know. I'm gonna use chub. I'm gonna chop up a bunch of fish and the sharks will come swimming. Why? Because it's blood in the water. They don't care what it is. If I'm trying to catch a swordfish, if I'm trying to catch a specific kind of fish, I am going to use the specific kind of bait to get that fish. Okay. You understand? Okay. And I need to be careful. Like, I and I need to be careful where I swim. If I'm swimming, if I don't, if I want bass, I'm not going to the ocean.

SPEAKER_02

Okay. Right?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. So it all depends on what kind of fish you want. I know I'm not a great fisherman. I do love deep sea fishing. But and you can't use sports analogies or anything like that all the time because they break down. I get it. But the point I'm trying to make is you you can use whatever analogy. You gotta be careful what you're putting out there, right? The the and what I mean is you want to be uh very intentional about where you're going, the environments that you're involving yourself in, um, and the people that you're around. Because if you really want to find a prize person, uh a person who has those values, then you need to go where there's people who have those values. You need to be involving yourself in those types of situations and those circumstances with people of that caliber. I can't expect that I'm going to marry a guy and change him into that individual.

SPEAKER_02

Oh no, no, no. You understand?

SPEAKER_00

I can't expect that, and the same thing goes for guys with girls or or no, all I can do is try to get into in situations or meet people that are that already have that caliber or who are growing in that way. Yes. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Practically speaking, if you're single and you're um, because I hear some people they say, Oh, I'm uh in my early 20s, I'm gonna focus on my career career.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

And so I'm just working seven days a week. Um so what you're saying is you're not putting anything out out there.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Because all you're surrounding yourself with, unless you you're um, unless you find a coworker you want to marry. Like uh otherwise you're basically really limiting yourself, right? You're limiting yourself. Practically speaking.

SPEAKER_00

Practically speaking, you're limiting yourself. Yeah, you're limiting your options. Um you you need to be in the right environment in order to find the right people, right? And not just the right environment. Also, I I need I do need to work on myself, right? Because what that's what I'm presenting, that's what I'm putting out, right? You understand? And whatever I put out, I guarantee you you're going to get that like coming after you, right? Like sharks, they will go after whatever, you understand? And so we don't necessarily want a shark.

SPEAKER_02

No, you want a prize, you want a prize fish.

SPEAKER_00

You don't want something that's gonna be.

SPEAKER_02

And I think another aspect to this is knowing ourselves. I think a lot of relationships fall apart because of the lack of self-knowledge. A lot of times I think we have ideas, an ideal of ourselves. Yes, that is very far off from reality. And then, but we're so convinced that we are this, this version of us, we are this, and so we go look for someone who's compatible with this ideal or this this idea of ourselves. And uh, you know, a couple years down the road, when you're committed and miserable, you realize, oh shoot, I made a mistake, but it's not so much I chose the wrong guy, it's it's oh yes, I chose the wrong guy because I didn't know who I wanted.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, exactly. I didn't realize.

SPEAKER_02

Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

Um, so I think for our younger listeners, it's just really important to really know, look in the mirror, and really find out who you are.

SPEAKER_00

Know thyself.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Like who you are. Should I know self be true?

SPEAKER_02

Yes, like what your values are. And I think those are because values drive behavior. Right. So don't just look at behavior, look at the underlying values that drive those behaviors. So, what what do you do when nobody's watching, right? Try to tease out what your own values are and then find people with similar values.

SPEAKER_00

The other thing I would say is we need to be careful. I'm not lost on the the Shakespeare, on Shakespeare in Midsummer's Night Dream, which is mentioned in the animation also, where um who was the queen? Was he Titania? Yes, yeah, Titania, where she was in love with the guy with the donkey, yeah, right? Yes. That's saying something. And sometimes I'm speaking, I won't speak the lady specifically, but there's a reason why it was a donkey's head, right? Because sometimes we are in we are so head over heels, and the person that we're with is a jackass, just a complete like and we don't see it, and so it's it's we're saying that word in my life. That I no, I'm saying as the creature, not as a square word, it is the creature that is an actual creature, okay? Some of them they are, and we are so infatuated that we're lost on it. It's important for us to be listening, I would say, to people who are very, very close to us, who we know have our backs, who we know love us. It's important for us to be listening to them as they engage us and give us uh input on those that we're involved with as well, because many times they can see things that we can't see, especially in that moment where we're not thinking as critically as we should be. And so that's something we have to take into account when we're trying, right? And just remember, as I said, man, where you fish, like like whales, don't go after chump. This is the reality. Sharks do.

SPEAKER_02

So yes, yes, yes, yes, you gotta remember this. And so I have a story about that. One time I was dating this guy who all my family and friends are like, huh? Like, what why? They they nobody understood, but I guess I was super infatuated. I was in a new city, so I was in a very lonely stage in life. Um, I have no friends, so this guy came along and I I just kind of went went along with it. And one time I think he was traveling to my hometown, and I asked him to bring something back home for me. Right, and he did, and my dear sister uh opened the door, and she knew this was my boyfriend, right? And she took the the bag and she just shut the door on him. Oh wow, wow. So she shut the door on him, and my mom was like, Why'd you do that? That's your sister's boyfriend. She looked at her and she's like, Joyce is not gonna marry him. Why am I wasting my time? Exactly. At that time, I was like, wow, that was rude. But now I'm just like, dude, like it's very telling how those people close to you, they sometimes understanding this 2004 study at the University College London is very important.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

It's important to realize that when we're infatuated, we don't see clearly. Yeah, we don't we are blind, but to get to the love part where we're consciously choosing a person for the rest of our lives, like it has we gotta tr transition at some point, and so we gotta put on our glasses and start seeing at some point, and sometimes we just need that little that little nudge little nudge from loved ones, yes, or good friends, right? They could see clearly because they are not infatuated, yeah. So it's important to listen to them, I think.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Well, I have many more stories, but I don't think we have many much more time. So this is a great topic. We'll probably have to do a part two at some point. Yes. But uh we want to thank you for joining us today on Unanswered. Um let us know your thoughts. Do you think that love is blind? Let us know. Uh, or what do you think about our definitions of infatuation and love and the difference? And if you have a situation where you were with a person who had a donkey head, let us know that as well. But before you do all that, go ahead and press that subscribe button for us.

SPEAKER_02

And follow us on your favorite social media platform. We are on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, LinkedIn, and X under Unanswered100. So you can find us everywhere.

SPEAKER_00

All the social medias. Yes. Thank you guys for joining us today for another uh episode of Unanswered where we love to think, question, and connect. We hope to see you next time. Until then, bye bye.